12:19 a.m. - Dec. 27th, 2004
Bad Hair Day...
Well, I made it. I made it through finals. And I have a D in Algebra. And my parents know, and they're not mad. As far as my other classes go, I got all A's...so we'll see how IU likes it. I talked to Lauren (she applied at IU) and she's says that I'll still get in. I just really have to try hard next semester and next year in Pre-Calculus and hope for the best. I may even have to make up that first semester Algebra so I can qualify for Academic Honors diploma.
ANYWAY>>>
Christmas...was great! I worked Christmas Eve and gave Sean and Matt their gifts. They seemed to like them, and I'm glad that they did. I also passed out the treat bags and gifts for my other friends as well. I'm glad Chelsi liked her gift, because I was finding it hard to find something for her. So after work on Christmas Eve we went to Columbus and had Christmas with my mom's side of the family, then we went home and me and Christian went to bed. He got my up at 5 A.M.!! We opened presents and then I went back to bed and slept until 3, hahaha. I got a bunch of CDs and DVDs, some stuff for my room, and some new PJ's. I think because I'm getting older I'm getting less and less, which is fine by me. This Christmas sucked though because for one thing, I wasn't in the spirit really because of finals, and the fact that it was my first Christmas without my grandparents. There was just something in the air that made me feel that nothing was ever going to be the same again, and this time next year I'll be celebrating my last Christmas home. It was disheartening to know that the golden days of baking Christmas cookies and decorating the tree in the comfort of that little house on Cottage Street with my grandparents and my aunts and uncles were over forever. Those Christmas lights that wrapped around the front porch have burned out forever, and the spirit of Christmas will never be fully rekindled within me ever again. Working in retail and feeling like there's an empty space in you doesn't help either, and I've been walking around with that empty space in the middle of my heart or stomach (I'm not sure which) for a while now. I know it will never be truly fulfilled until I have children and traditions of my own, and I took a vow a long time ago that my family will be tightly knit together in one large pattern, like a quilt that will forever stand the test of time. And it amazes me how I can just write this down now, because the words have esacped me for the past four years. There's no comfort in knowing that I'm incomplete, but the first step in solving something is the admittance. I only hope that my future will be smooth sailing until I CAN graduate college and marry, because unlike some of my friends, I know I will NEED a man in my life, a husband, to help fill that empty space I have. I need him because, I need children and I need to build a family to take the place of the family that I was robbed of (and don't worry, this doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out and get pregnant RIGHT NOW, it means that fifteen years from now I will be well on my way to filling the hole). I trust that God will guide me to the right man, the one that will love me forever and support me and be an amazing father to my children. I think that since I've been spending time with the older kids at work, I've realized how young I still am, and how much I still need my family. I thought that since I was older, nearly an adult, that I'd be fine without them. But now I realize...I'm going to be an 80 yr old woman and still want my grandma around. I also think that this recent realization of the hole inside of me has caused me to cling to Josh, but I know now that he's not what I'm looking for, and he just happened to be there when I started to feel the pain and push it away. I've always been good at that- I've always been good at denying my feelings about things and pushing the truth out. But isn't that human? Isn't it human to want to be full and whole? I know that no one is FULL and WHOLE, but I also know that I'm more empty right now than the adverage person. I've been empty for 4 years and counting...
But enough of that. I'm sorry I've babbled on and on and depressed you all to death. The holidays have this way about making you appreciate what you have and realize how lonely you really are.
Later,
Paige
CURRENT MUSIC: "New American Classic" by Taking Back Sunday
